thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Randomize
