After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Randomize
