her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Randomize
