Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
4 words: hood of his car
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
Randomize
