Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
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