I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize