In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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