She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Randomize
