btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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