You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
