My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I cut my penus on the lid.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
