you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
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