I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
I have aggressive nipples.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
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