I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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