I'm sorry my penis didn't work
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
His nipple licking is glorious
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