Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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