Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
Randomize
