youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
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