After last night, I could never be a politician.
Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
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