Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
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