I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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