If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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