Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
