I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Oh god it's open bar.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
