Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
Randomize
