I cut my penus on the lid.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Randomize
