Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I am never drinking with the goths again.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
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