I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Randomize
