is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
