laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
