Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
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