If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
Randomize
