my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
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