She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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