Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
You pole danced in your parka.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
