Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
