This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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