Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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