Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
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