how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
