best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
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