literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
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