i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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