I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
