I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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