dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I'm gonna fight the coyote
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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