my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
Randomize
