oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
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