you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Randomize
