ya dads aren't the best wingmen
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
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