Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
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