he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
