Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
you inspire me to be a worse person
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
