mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
Randomize
