if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I just had sex on a roof
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
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