I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize
