I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
