my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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